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The Contender Tourney

by Lamont Jenkins

The Contender Finale: Tuesday 11am TBG time.

The Contender Week 8

A shadowy figure slowly crawls through the shadows until finally reaching his destination at the Contender Loft.
"I'm here and ready to fight for the Contender Championship" he proudly declares at the doorway!
DTG and Bum are just relieved that Raz is back and Bum declares this find "bigger than anything accept Frank White's SNB fight plans".
The three Aussies shed a tear.
Suddenly, a cadillac comes screeching around the corner, full speed ahead.
It's Don King and he is heading right for Raz!
"If you don't sign with me, then you fight for no one he yells"!
Raz stops dead in his tracks in terror.
Suddenly out of nowhere, Slick Willy pogosticks his way into the path of the oncoming car.
King vears to the right to avoid him and drives into the oncoming traffic smashing into a paddy wagon which is escorting convicts to prison.
King's cadillac rips the back door off the van and out leaps Sancho, his buddy Tacostud, Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap.
The car vears back towards the loft and through Smithers Granny Apples stand knocking apple cider onto everyone in the vicinity.
The Car then goes through the wall into the tv lounge where jonnydog is on the final installment of Dallas' "Who Shot JR" sequence.
The suspense builds for jonnydog until the car smashes into the big screen tv smashing it into a million pieces.
An enraged jonnydog runs at King who quickly backs up the car into the street where Stevethaman and UK Pete are fighting over who gets to interview Raz first.
The Iguana pogosticks over to Slick Willy to see if he is alright.
Meanwhile, jonnydog has rounded up Haymaker, The Coroner, Ozzy Ozbourne, Goonsquad and The Weaver to chase after Don King.
Haymaker is taking wagers as to who will catch him with most of the early money going to Raz and jonnydog since Goonsquad is not sure if he should help his boss or his fellow fighters.
Elsewhere, King has turned his car around and once again heads right towards the fighters.
Suddenly, Shaolin Warrior steps out the shadows and vows revenge on King while holding his new tombstone.
King's car plows full speed ahead towards Shaolin who throws the tombstone at King's car.
The tombstone hits the engine and flames spark.
King loses sight of the road and goes flying over the cliff so fast that the wind pressure fans out the burning flames.
The car lands on a tire at the bottom of the cliff and goes flying back into the air and is struck by lightning until finally coming down to the bottom of the cliff.
Shaolin takes off his mask to reveal.....Fong!
"You really don't think we were let that guy back in now do you"?
A chorus of laughter ensues!

Meanwhile, oblivious to all of this are two fighters; Dazmataz and The Corporation.
They have laced up their gloves and are now ready to contend.

The Corporation vs Dazmataz

The Contender Week 7

We are now down to the Final Four.
Bum Inc. will face Dazmataz and The Corporation will face DTG.
Before that happens though, we will take a look at what happened to the 12 Contenders who did not make the Final Four.

1. Raz
Currently gone MIA, the entire world has been pitching in to find the Nobel Peace Prize Nominee as evidenced by the "Where's Raz" campaign and "The Raz Benefit Concert."
Raz has become more invisible than a Don King fighter.

2. Haymaker
Haymaker nows makes a living as a sports bookie specializing in online football betting.

3. The Coroner
Luck was on The Coroner's Side when Ozzy Ozbourne happened to be watching The Contender Episode 2.
Ozzy was so impressed with The Coroners' riffs that he recruited him to be the new guitarist for Black Sabbath.
Tony Iommi was not impressed and for the first time since 1965 is unemployed.

4. Sancho
Sancho is currently serving time in prison due to his capture in trying to free his good friend Tacostud.

5. Shaolin Warrior
Shaolin met a tragic fate one day when Don King fell out of the sky.
We will now toll a 10 count in his honour.
1, 2, 3...anyways...

6. Goonsquad
Impressed by the punching power that hurtled him from the Contender loft, Don King now employs Goonsquad as his primary bodyguard.

7. The Weaver
The Weaver now stars in a HBO spinoff with good friend Eddy Haskell entitled "Leave it to Weaver".
It is jonnydog's new favourite show.

8. The Iguana
The Iguana did not win the contender tourney, but he is currently the North American Pogosticking champion and owes all of his success to Slick Willy.

9. Stevethaman
Stevethaman landed a job as the new disc jockey at WKRP in Cincinatti when Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap were indicted for theft under $5000 in music gear.

10. UK Pete
UK Pete has become the leading boxing writer for the BBC depsite their efforts to get him to write on divisions other than middleweight.

11. Smithers
Smithers has inherited Granny Smith's Apple farm and doesn't need the Contender prize money.

12. jonnydog
Jonnydog has gone on to forge World Peace and bring balance to the force.
Who are we kidding?
This guy still hasn't left the tv lounge and is currently hooked on the 24 hour Jerry Lewis channel.

After watching this heartfelt video montage the four remaining fighters retreat to their respective locker rooms to lace up their gloves.
It's now time to contend!

Bum inc. vs Dazmataz

The Corporation vs DTG

Bum Inc steps up to the line and glares at Dazmataz....Bum acknowledges that this will be a tough fight but he is ready.....old pals DTG and The Corporation also prepare for battle....

Fights will run Tuesday instead of Monday and the deadline for fp's is Tuesday at 10am.

Bum Inc. has won the trivia with his guess of July 1st.
The correct answer is Oct. 13th.
The Corporation chose June 14th, Dazmataz chose April 25th and DTG chose Feb. 15th.
Congrats BUM, you have until Wed. 6pm TBG time to call out your opponent and set up the semifinal matches.

This Week's Trivia:
I am imailing the final trivia question to each manager
so that no one has an advantage due to time zone constraints.
Whoever gets the closest answer will win the trivia
challenge and arrange the semifinal matchups.
The question is:
What day is my girlfriend's birthday?
I need the day and month...ie. June 14th.
Whoever is closest in days wins.
If someone guesses Dec. 1st and her birthday
is January 1st then they are 11 months off not one month as the
months will run in chronological order for one calendar year.
I'll post the winner sometime Wednesday or
as soon as all guesses are in.

The Final Four