Things and Stuff '05

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Post Halloween Thoughts from Louisville, Kentucky USA


Halloween night, I agreed to take some neighbor kids Trick or Treating...

Homer : Alright, you little crumb snatchers! LISTEN UP! Frankenstein, you're going to hold Cinderella's hand. Darth Vader, you got Bam-Bam. Don't let him wander away. Now here's the plan...
Frankenstein : Um...I believe I'LL be the one to outline the "plan".
Homer: Excuse me!?
Frankenstein : You are excused.
Homer : No! I mean...Never mind what I meant! I'm the ADULT! You'll listen to me!
Frankenstein : Mr. Simpson. We have you outnumbered five to one.
Homer : So? I am an ADULT!
Frankenstein : Do you have any idea, how many different directions five children came go at the same time?
Homer : Um...Five?
Frankenstein : True, but we can make it SEEM like MILLIONS.
Homer : I...You...
Frankenstein : Tell you what. You just follow along and leave the Trick or Treating to us, and we'll make it worth you while.
Homer : What could five rug rats have that I could want?
Darth Vader : Candy.
Homer : I'm not that easy.
Frankenstein : CHOCOLATE candy.
Homer : ...Okay. I'm listening.
Frankenstein : Just walk along with us and we'll see you get...Four Snickers bars.
Homer : ...Six.
Darth Vader : IMPOSSIBLE!
Frankenstein : I'm dealing with this, Lord Vader...Four Snickers...Aaand...A Clark Bar.
Homer : Four Snickers and two Milky Ways.
Frankenstein : No. Four Snickers aaand TWO Clark Bars.
Homer : Four Snickers and two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Frankenstein : The Snickers and ONE Reese's.
Homer : Throw in a Pixie Stick and we got a deal.
Frankenstein : Orange?
Homer : Grape.
Frankenstein : You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Simpson.
Homer : Take it or leave it.
Frankenstein : ...Done.
Homer : Done!
Frankenstein : Now. The plan for tonight...Bam-Bam and Cinderella will be our scouts, and__
Homer : Scouts?
Frankenstein: Yes. We don't want all our bags filled with junk, do we?
Darth Vader : Last year Fredricks gave out TOOTHBRUSHES!
Frankenstein : Once our scouts pinpoint the houses with the good candy, we strike! First we all go up singly. Then in pairs. Then a trios. Then all four! We should be able to hit the same house DOZENS of times be for the grown-ups catch on!
Homer : Five.
Frankenstein : What?
Homer : There's five of you.
Frankenstein : No. Just Lord Vader, Cinderella, Bam-Bam and myself.
Homer : Then who's THAT kid?
Raymond: Name's Raymond.
Frankenstein : Raymond is a...contractor.
Homer : Contractor?
Frankenstein : Yes. Not all adults are as dim as you.
Homer : HEY!
Frankenstein : Should they notice we're multi-treating them, Raymond handles the tricks.
Homer : Raymond's a Trick Contractor?
Frankenstein : Just so.
Darth Vader : Raymond's the best.
Raymond : Just don't forget our deal.
Homer : What deal?
Frankenstein : Lord Vader is correct. Raymond IS the best and he has a HEFTY fee.
Homer : YOU PAY HIM!?
Darth Vader : Not exactly.
Frankenstein : Much like you, Raymond has a sweet tooth.
Homer : Oh.
Frankenstein : His...vice is Candy Corn.
Raymond : The ones with the yellow end. Not the brown.
Darth Vader : TEN BAGS!
Raymond : If you think it's too much, I'm sure the kids in the Cedar Hills subdivision will pay up.
Frankenstein : No! We'll pay! Lord Vader! Apologize!
Darth Vader : Sorry, Raymond.
Raymond : For MY skills, ten bags is pretty cheap.
Homer : Skills? What kind of "skills" does it take to play a prank?
Frankenstein : Raymond's...Tricks are legendary.
Raymond : Six year old chicken and duck eggs.
Homer : Oh.
Raymond : Two cases of two-ply toilet paper.
Homer : I see.
Raymond : Six, one pound blocks of paraffin wax.
Homer : Wax?
Raymond : Harder to get off windows than soap.
Homer : Oh.
Raymond: And twenty-four "special" flaming poo bags.
Homer : Special?
Raymond : Mom works at The Zoo.
Homer : Zoo poo? EEww!
Frankenstein : Exactly.
Homer : Where are we going to carry all that stuff?
Raymond : Don't gotta carry it. I got it in the trunk of my car.
Homer : Your car!? How old ARE you!?
Raymond : Seventeen.
Homer : Seventeen!? And you're taking candy from CHILDREN?!
Raymond : You're older'n me and YOU are!
Frankenstein : GENTLEMEN! PLEASE! The night is young and we have candy to get!
Homer : Right. Sorry.
Frankenstein : One final thing, Mr. Simpson.
Homer : Yeah?
Frankenstein : We are aware you write...Stories based on the happenings in your life.
Homer : So?
Frankenstein : We trust THIS night will not be spoke or WRITTEN of.
Homer: Who'd believe me?
Frankenstein : Never the less.
Homer : Throw in a bag of the brown end candy corn Raymond hates and it's a deal.

At the end of the night the kids had a massive haul of candy...

Raymond got his pay off...

I got stiffed. The little monster in the Frankenstein costume just laughed. Darth Vader said "As if we'd pay you for just walking! You should pay US! It's the most exercise you gotten in a YEAR!"

So I don't have any qualms about sharing this story with you.


Until next time,

Your friend, Homer.

P.S. Wax really is harder to get off of windows than soap. FRANKENSTEIN! THIS MEANS WAR!




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