THE CORONER'S REPORT

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THE CORONER'S REPORT

MAY 2, 2004

Hello once again from The Morgue. I figured it was time do another sporadic update of the commentary. The biggest reason is that the tribute issue dedicated to my dogs had been up for about 4 months. I thought it was time for them to rest in peace. Once again thank you to everyone who offered such kind words and support. I really appreciated it.

Nothing new happening in the world of The Coroner. I've been back to work for a couple of months now just doing light duty work. My back feels good on some days and terrible on others. Not sure how much the surgery helped. The car wreck probably didn't do me a whole lot of good either.
I moved again. My significant other and I decided it was time to share a domicile (hers actually). We've been seeing each other for 8 months or so, I'm always at her place anyway so it wasn't really that big of a step. She's good to me, she's great with my daughter and she's not a psycho. We enjoy a lot of the same things and we get along great, unlike the last train wreck I was in that wasted 5 years of my life.
I've just kind of been playing TBG half-assed for the past couple of months. Not putting a whole lot of effort into it. But, I somehow managed to weasel my way into a Cruiserweight World Title shot a few weeks back. I'd had a couple of cracks at the Toughman belt but this was my first shot in a non-Toughman division. I ended up failing (pretty miserably I might add). I really didn't put a ton of effort into it like I should have. Although that wouldn't have made much of a difference due to the fact that I'm still horrendous at this game. Nonetheless it still gave me some satifaction to actually compete well enough to get there. Maybe with some luck I'll get another shot at some point in time.

In this issue of TCR I'll discuss how lawyers rule the world (well, my world anyway), I'll give you my "it's none of my business and I really don't give a rat's ass" rant, and of course another deserving recipient of TCR's Dumbass Award. So, let's get started!

LAWYERS

Attorneys... what can you say about them that hasn't already been said? And that's both for and against. They DO rule the world. Especially my world. I have a lawyer for my divorce proceedings, I have a lawyer that handled some traffic dealings. I got into a car wreck a couple of months ago so I went to my traffic lawyer to handle the personal injury claim. But, since my injury claim involves my back which I injured at work awhile ago, he sent me to another lawyer who not only handles personal injury but also handles workman's comp issues. My claim with the Dept of Labor is still under appeal (those bastards are just trained to deny everything and hope you just give up and go away). I also am retaining an attorney for some other shenanigans that have been directed towards me. Lovely.... These days I can't even go to the can without first substantiating, perpetrating and then litigating. I then have to commiserate to propagate to arbitrate (which is handled by another attorney at $600 an hour). And then everything goes to probate. Hu.....? Exactly.

If there are any attorneys who play TBG, don't take all of this personally. Well, ok maybe you can. Actually my lawyers are pretty good people, they just take all of my friggin' money. Normally I enjoy having a female hand in my pocket. But not when it's my lawyer's hand (as she inevitably is always reaching for the wrong wad). I both envy these godlike creatures and despise their very existence. Yes, they worked hard to get where they are and in turn make a ton of bank because of it (envy). But they also gum up the works for normal schmucks like you and me (despising of existence). What happened to the days of just putting two people in a room and closing the door. Let 'em settle their differences and whoever walks out in one piece is the winner. Take for example the insurance adjustor that offered me a settlement that was absolutely LAUGHABLE! Stick me in a room with that guy. He needs his ass kicked just for insulting my intelligence. Better yet, put me in a room with the kid that hit me. He was 19, maybe 5'4" and weighed a buck thirty soaking wet. I'd murder him. Or my soon to be ex's divorce lawyer (since I can't very well go toe to toe with the spousal unit). The guy's probably 6'5, looks to be in pretty good shape, but you know what? The guy's been living the cushy life for quite awhile. I think he's soft, I think he doesn't have any heart. I think I could take him.

All I can really say at this point is...."Why the hell didn't I go to Law School?"

THE CORONER RANTS

First off I'll throw a disclaimer out there. I am in no way homophobic nor do I have anything against people who practice an "alternative lifestyle" (I believe that's the politically correct term). I pretty much have a "live and let live" motto. Whatever you want to do in the privacy of your own home or where such behavior is acceptable, then by all means do so. Also the Good Book says "Judge not lest ye be judged". I pretty much adhere to that (except when it comes to violent criminals and bastards that harm children). The Almighty's gavel hasn't dropped on me yet sentencing me to the eternal BBQ, so I will reserve my judgements for those that I've already mentioned. But in the words of "Psycho" (Francis) from the movie "Stripes", "If any of you homo's touch me... I'll kill ya!". By the way, for you humor impaired or socially sensitive people out there, that was a JOKE!

A little while back I ran down to the 24hr grocery store on my lunch break. I go in, get the items that I deem will satisfactorily stave off my hunger and proceed to the checkout line. There are 3 kids (maybe early 20's, I say "kids" because compared to me they are) in line in front of me. 2 girls and a guy. They're going on, cutting up and having fun like kids do. I'm not paying much attention. One of the girls says something to the guy in which he replies, loudly I might add, "You're just saying that because I'm gay!" He then wandered off to grab something that he had forgotten. One of the girls then turns to me and says, "He just came out of the closet". It kind of caught me off guard so I just kind of looked a